The Triing Lizard

Thursday, February 22, 2007

My horoscope for today:
You may appear uncertain about your long-term plans now, but that's because your words are not telling the entire story. You probably know exactly how you feel, yet cannot easily express it to others. Don't waste too much energy trying to convince anyone else that you aren't floundering. If they don't understand, just come back to the discussion later.

This is certainly the case. A stream of consciousness about my current long-term conundrum:
I am having somewhat of a one-third life crisis, 30 years old, never been married, never been in a relationship that has lasted more than a year and a half. I don't think my life is going to take the traditional route. I don't even know if marriage and kids and all that acceptable stuff is what I really want. What do I want? Last night I went out with Len and Mike and drank a lot (3 drinks which is a lot for me) and even had a couple drags from one of Len's cigarettes! We talked about starting a Zen Monastery in Alaska. And traveling and living life to its fullest. Living like a homeless person, selling all earthly possessions for money. Going to school. Changing careers. Drinking a lot of wine. Playing volleyball. Swimming. I miss being spontaneous like I was in college, I wanted to stay up all night and do crazy things like swimming in the fountain at Rice, doing tai chi in the park, and falling backwards into the bushes to see how strong they were (who put me and Daniel up to that anyway, must have been Anandi). The past always looks so good in retrospect. I know it's not as good as I built it up in my mind. Len says I just need a boyfriend and that will all go away. Maybe it's true. I feel like there is some big change that's about to happen in my life but I don't know what it's going to be. Something like I might just up and move to Costa Rica. Or join the Peace Corps. I just want to feel alive. Why do I want to leave my current life? I really am happy where I am. How do I find the root cause of my restlessness and discontent? I'm not really all that discontent. I have a great life, I have a ton of fun and I have a lot of friends who I like to hang out with. But something is not quite right. I don't feel alive inside sometimes, like I'm a robot, especially at work. My days just go by one by one, week by week. I need to play more. How come only kids get play time? I want to just play. This adult life stuff is too serious. So if my horoscope is correct none of this will make sense to anyone else. It all makes sense in my head though. But I have no idea what direction I'm going to take. Until then I'll keep devising future plans in my head that may or may not actually happen.

2 Comments:

  • Liz...if you were truly happy, you wouldn't be wondering all this stuff???

    By Blogger Claudia, at 12:48 PM  

  • Hey Lizz,

    A bit of a blast from the past.

    I was bored at work so I tried Googleing some old friends and I found your site. I figured I would send you a hello.

    It seems like you have really found yourself and some things that make you happy. Great for you, it seems like you have really come into your own and the idea that you are doing well still really makes me happy. I was always amazed by your spirit and your love of and lust for life.

    I was sorry to read about your break-up, or at least what seems like your break-up. I doubt that I’m the person you want to hear this from but, you are still one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.

    Michael D.

    By Anonymous Michael DelConte, at 9:00 PM  

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